BEST AND WORST OF SCHOOL LUNCHES

Ahh! School lunches. Waiting in line is something we all learn early on, sometimes in kindergarten and sometimes 1st grade. There were delicious entrees and disgusting piles of filth that every school tried to get kids to eat (successfully and not). School lunches from 15 years ago were slightly different from today as then, the more grease and fat it contained, the better it tasted. This is my list of the best and worst food stuffs that my schools tried to feed me throughout my 12 years of government-required learning and my brutally witty remarks about them.

BEST:

5. Chicken Nuggets

These things were great with ranch dressing. From my deepest recollection these were normally the food served on Tuesday or Thursday. In elementary school, my friends and I would always reenact Mortal Kombat with these on the table, until we got yelled at by those evil women known as "lunch moms." I still recall getting in trouble in 3rd grade for calling one "fat" to her face, but I digress. The chicken nuggets were served with mashed potatoes and mixed veggies on most occasions. They also tended to be lightly breaded and made with the unused portions of the chicken (or so they looked that way with being darker than white meat chicken). They also had a tendency to have a rubbery taste, but were always palatable with the right amount of your sauce of choice.

4. Cheese Sticks

Another food that was delicious with ranch dressing. The cheese sticks were different from your average mozzarella sticks in that they were much thicker and they were encased in a pizza-dough-like container rather than bread crumbs. A memory that I have of these things from middle school is that once, my friend and I had a fight over the last tray of sticks which resulted in detention for a day (nor did we get the cheesy goodness). I can't quite remember what was usually served with these, but I know there were vegetables with them on a few occasions.

3. Nachos

Oh the nachos. Rarely were these served with any sort of side dish because the lunch ladies liked to just pile them on our trays. This was one of the few dishes I liked to be at school for. When these were served it always seemed to be on Fridays. A fond memory I have of these was from 4th grade. I remember having a laugh with my buddies and shoving mouthful after mouthful of chips into my mouth until I received a nasty cut on the roof of my mouth which kept bleeding until I got home from school. Nothing like a spelling test with a mouth full of blood. I can also recall someone cursing out the lunch lady at my high school once because she forgot to put meat on his serving, but I do not remember what happened after that. The taste was totally delicious. The chips were perfectly salted which complimented the cheese well and the meat topped it off just like whipped cream on a frozen coffee. This was one of the few dishes that could actually fill you up until dinner.

2. Pizza

Oh holy heaven, this pizza was comparable to any frozen brand you could find at the store, but the lunch ladies knew how to cook it just right. It had the perfect amount of sauce and cheese and a crunchy crust. Occasionally it was topped with many pepperonis or just three. I remember being first introduced to this lunch my first day of middle school (7th grade). I instantly fell in love and I was blinded by the sheer deliciousness of it. This was always coupled with french fries (oddly) and with a tray compartment of ranch, you were set. I still recall a time when someone who always covered his pizza in ranch wasn't paying attention to which condiment pump he was at and accidentally covered it in honey mustard. "Aww sh*t!" still rings in my ears to this day.

1. Fiestada (or Fiestata)

I honestly have no clue why it was so damn good. All it was made of was tomato sauce, ground beef, Mexican blend cheese, and a crust similar to those found in Lunchables pizza, but softer. This was always served on Fridays when I was in elementary school and it virtually didn't exist when I was in high school. This was always paired with mixed vegetables or green beans. In middle school, I can recall it being served with fries (which oddly they seemed to serve with everything then). Fiestadas never needed any sort of sauce accompaniment to be delicious and I can still remember that girl throwing her "Mexican Frisbee" since she hated the stuff.


Ok, here is where this is going to get funny.

WORST:

5. Hamburgers

Well, what do we have here? It's an unknown substance on a bun that the school laughingly calls a "hamburger." No, no, no, no. This sorry dried out piece of faux meat was unfortunately served to us early and late in the average school year since it represented summer. The dish tended to be served with french fries and corn. I can honestly say these were horrible. There were few occasions where I or my friends could stomach one of these. They had a taste that was similar to licking a brand new shoe and I would rather do that than eat a school hamburger.

4. Corn Dogs

I wretch thinking about these. Always over cooked and tasted like your tongue was charred. I can't quite get over why the franks inside had a dark red to brown color. Normal hot dogs and corn dogs alike have a flesh-like tone, so why didn't these? Well, for one they tasted as though they were dragged along the locker room tiles and smelled even worse. My middle school had a nasty habit of serving these with corn and gravy. I always refused to touch the corn dogs and I would suffer through 3 hours until I got home to eat a proper midday bowl of Cap'n Crunch.

3. Fajitas

Don't let the picture I have provided confuse you, THAT is a proper and delicious looking fajita. The school ones normally looked like a mutant taco (no pun intended) with fake steak and a nasty smelling cheese falling out of them. The tortillas they were served on were always crunchy, like when they are out of the package in the refrigerator. They smelled like a dirty garbage disposal. Plain and simple as that. I don't recall these during elementary school, but I do know for fact they served them in my middle and high school. The dish was generally complimented with corn, mashed potatoes, or fries (which made them even worse). This too was something I would always pass up for something actually edible.

2. Creamed Turkey

Or "The Day Before Thanksgiving Death Lunch" as I liked to often call it. The turkey was served as pretty much shredded with gravy and it was on top of mashed potatoes. This was always served with corn or mixed veggies. Now, the taste. The horrifying, terrifying, disgusting, detestable, unpalatable, nasty, just pure "BLECH!" taste. It could be comparable to rubbing some KFC on the freshly laid concrete outside of the school that kids like to write their names and shove their hands into and drowning it in death sauce. The taters were not the problem, but damn, this stuff was bad. Every school I have been to would serve this the day before Thanksgiving break and Christmas break. It would also be served at random times during the winter as well. There were quite a few people I knew who would get a plate of this stuff to start a food fight with because of it's sheer nastiness. I highly doubt that it had any sort or nutritional value.

1. Bagel Pizza

The bagel pizzas...this is where the line is drawn between food and nuclear waste. The taste was so bad that if I use the words I want to describe it with, I would be banned. It smelled like wet dog that had just rolled around in a pile of rotting caterpillar vomit. The so-called "sauce" that was on it, I believe, was the root of the problem and those tiny diced pepperoni. I could never eat this stuff no matter how much ranch dressing I would put on it, nor could I hold my breath because my body knew I had just taken a bite of pseudo-cat waste. There was also a variety of these that were shaped like a normal slice of pizza, but instead of being on top of a bagel slice, the death-stew sat upon a bread-like item that had the consistency of a heavily used sponge that was used to clean the floors around the toilets. They served this with fries, which either way, is irrelevant because this was avoided by most of my friends and I. I can only say, if Death were a food, this would vanquish it.

So, there you have it the best and worst stuff my schools tried to get me to eat (then review with witty remarks years later).

I am CAPTAINCAPTAIN! GOOD NIGHT!

New article on retrojunk....

Well...it's pending approval but if it doesn't get approved, I will post it here. I spent to much time for it to go to waste :P

I'll post a link if it is approved!

My views on 2012...

Ok, watching Divorce Court today, I feel like I wanna say something. (I'll post a clip soon)

December 21, 2012 will be AN ORDINARY day. Nothing all that special will happen. Guaranteed if we know now that it would end, we would have known years and years before when Mayan scripts were deciphered. I honestly never heard of this bullshit theory until about January. Like I heard on Divorce Court, "The Mayan Calendar will start a new cycle, just as our calendar ends every year on December 31 and just starts a new cycle."

Now on to this dude on Divorce Court, he has no idea what he's talking about. "We will have a solar flare so big, it will eat away our skin". (I'll modify the quote when I know exactly what he said) What the hell? Don't you understand that the magnetosphere takes care of reflecting most of a solar flare away from Earth? And he mentions a "storm" that will take place. Hello! Ever hear of the Northern Lights? Southern Lights? Those are the result of solar flares.

Whatever. I'm done ranting, I just never expressed my view on the topic. Plus I had to say something because there has to be more than 1 person in the world that's as dumb or dumber than the dude on D.C. because apparently he's in some group supposedly able to "save" everyone on 12/21/2012. XD

What a "Ritard"

Resident Evil Rewrites

Hmm.....I read my first rewrite over again, and that probably wasn't the best scene to start with since there is a lack of dialog up until Jill gets stuck in the room. I'll rewrite another scene later and I'll think about which one I'll do this time :P

This is why my brother's friend is one of the funniest people alive XD

This was his description of the loony bin of the hospital he works at XD

"Basically, it's like walking into an ass. It's like someone filled a hefty bag with farts and threw it on top of a tire fire. It's like a homeless man died inside of a dumpster outside of an Armenian restaurant*. I mean, I've never actually BEEN to Hell...but I've heard stories and I'm pretty sure it's fair to compare the two."

Resident Evil Director's Cut Scene Rewrite 1 - Picnic Basket

Jill enters what seems to be a long corridor with a metal door to her right and a wooden door peering out of the corner.

Jill: Jesus Christ! I hope that's a bathroom! I've had to piss since we left the station.

Jill hurries down the corridor to the wooden door and opens it. Jill immediately recognizes the room and runs for the toilet. Jill unzips her pants and pulls them down as she sits on the seat. A loud stream of urine hitting the toilet water can be heard echoing through the room.

Jill: Ahhh! This just feels just so amazi.....

All of a sudden a moaning comes from behind the shower curtain. Jill sits and hold her pee for a moment to see if she hears it again. Nothing, so she continues her urination.

Jill: Hm..I guess I'm hearin shit. Speaking of shit....what the hell is that smell?

Jill looks down into the toilet bowl and only sees her urine. Soon, she finishes her business and stands up to wipe herself. She turns around for the toilet paper and notices the roll is empty.

Jill: Well jee, the last motherfucker who used the bathroom couldn't put a new roll on? No, because that would be convenient. Well, there must be some under the sink.

Jill turns around to begin her way to the sink. She sees a skinny gray man standing in front of her gazing at her crotch. Jill screams and all of a sudden, she is overcome with the smell of feces. She just shit. Jill screams and tries to run, but with her pants still round her knees she trips and falls. The man begins to chase and slips and falls on the freshly released feces Crawling toward Jill, the man lets out a moan similar to the one she just heard from behind the shower curtain. The man stands up and starts to walk toward Jill. She notices the rug in front of the tub is slightly wrinkled in the corner. The gray man trips over the wrinkle and falls into the tub. Jill grabs onto the edge of the sink to lift herself up. After getting up, she pulls up her shit covered pants. The man is struggling to get out of the tub, but is only splashing the nasty water all over the floor. Jill hurries and leave the room while locking the door behind her.

Jill: This house is completely fucked up, like no joke. Damn! Now I gotta run around with shit in my pants the rest of the time? Fucking nudist colony.

Jill continues down the hallway and after a couple of corners, see's 3 more doors. A set of double doors directly across from a single door. Jill thinks to herself what just happened and decides to go through the single door.

Jill: Fuck. If there's a hot tub in here, I'll be happy.

Jill opens the door and walks into an empty square room with a high ceiling and another door on the other side. Jill walks into the room and enters the next door. The room appeared to be a sitting room with a fireplace and a shotgun on display on the other wall.

Jill: I WANT! I WANT!

Jill runs to the shoutgun and pulls it off of its display. A clicking noise came from the display a moment later. Jill continues searching the room and finds a picnic basket sitting on the couch. She grabs it and leaves the room. As soon as Jill enters the empty room, both doors lock and the ceiling begins to fall.

Jill: I'm so fucked right now. The basket!

Jill opens the basket and finds a sandwich. She throws the basket and sandwich aside and begins to pound on the door leading to the hallway.

Jill: HELP!!! THE ROOF IS FALLING!!! HELP!!!!

Barry happened to be walking by and overhears Jill. He runs up to the door.

Barry: Is that you Jill? And is that a sandwich I smell?

Jill: Barry! Kick the door down! Please!

Barry: Do you have a sandwich? I need to know.

Jill: Fuck the sandwich, the fucking roof is fucking falling!!!

Barry: But what about the sandwich?

Jill: I'll give you the God Damned sandwich, just OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!!

Barry: Alright, stand back. I'm getting that sandwich!

Barry backs up, and charges the door with his shoulder. The door flies open and he runs past Jill to grab the sandwich. He manages to get it and run out before the roof completely touches the floor.

Jill: Barry, what the fuck did it matter if I had a sandwich in there?

Barry: You should never let a sandwich go to waste.

Jill: I was about to BE a fucking sandwich, cockhole.

Barry: I've eaten you before, and I would do it again.

Jill gives Barry a very perplexed look.

Jill: What the hell are you talking about Barry?

Barry is too busy eating the sandwich to respond. Jill shakes her head and stands up. She begins to look around.

Jill: Whatever. That doesn't matter. Did you find any clues?

Barry: Not really, but that guy made a huge fucking mess in the bathroom. There's shit all over the place. Kinda ironic he was taking a bath.

Barry starts to chuckle and notices brown stains on Jill's pants. Jill turns red and turns to rummage through her pouch containing her ammo.

Barry: Uh, Jill?

Jill: What?

Barry: What is that all over your pants?

Jill: Umm...uhh...pudding? Yeah! pudding!

Barry: And, what's that smell?

Jill: What smell?

Barry: That guy scared the shit outta you didn't he?

Jill: Fuck you! I had my period, okay?!

Jill storms out through the double doors and dissapears into the hallway. Barry, continues to chuckle and eat his sandwich.

Welcome One and All!

I have decided to start doing blogspot again so here it is :P. This time I will have this blog serve a purpose and I will make satirical reviews and whatnot. I'll rant occasionally and post links to things. I will also post youtube vids here and I will also make funny short stories that make fun of my favorite video games (Resident Evil :). So, here is something to tide you over: