Resident Evil Rewrites

Hmm.....I read my first rewrite over again, and that probably wasn't the best scene to start with since there is a lack of dialog up until Jill gets stuck in the room. I'll rewrite another scene later and I'll think about which one I'll do this time :P

This is why my brother's friend is one of the funniest people alive XD

This was his description of the loony bin of the hospital he works at XD

"Basically, it's like walking into an ass. It's like someone filled a hefty bag with farts and threw it on top of a tire fire. It's like a homeless man died inside of a dumpster outside of an Armenian restaurant*. I mean, I've never actually BEEN to Hell...but I've heard stories and I'm pretty sure it's fair to compare the two."

Resident Evil Director's Cut Scene Rewrite 1 - Picnic Basket

Jill enters what seems to be a long corridor with a metal door to her right and a wooden door peering out of the corner.

Jill: Jesus Christ! I hope that's a bathroom! I've had to piss since we left the station.

Jill hurries down the corridor to the wooden door and opens it. Jill immediately recognizes the room and runs for the toilet. Jill unzips her pants and pulls them down as she sits on the seat. A loud stream of urine hitting the toilet water can be heard echoing through the room.

Jill: Ahhh! This just feels just so amazi.....

All of a sudden a moaning comes from behind the shower curtain. Jill sits and hold her pee for a moment to see if she hears it again. Nothing, so she continues her urination.

Jill: Hm..I guess I'm hearin shit. Speaking of shit....what the hell is that smell?

Jill looks down into the toilet bowl and only sees her urine. Soon, she finishes her business and stands up to wipe herself. She turns around for the toilet paper and notices the roll is empty.

Jill: Well jee, the last motherfucker who used the bathroom couldn't put a new roll on? No, because that would be convenient. Well, there must be some under the sink.

Jill turns around to begin her way to the sink. She sees a skinny gray man standing in front of her gazing at her crotch. Jill screams and all of a sudden, she is overcome with the smell of feces. She just shit. Jill screams and tries to run, but with her pants still round her knees she trips and falls. The man begins to chase and slips and falls on the freshly released feces Crawling toward Jill, the man lets out a moan similar to the one she just heard from behind the shower curtain. The man stands up and starts to walk toward Jill. She notices the rug in front of the tub is slightly wrinkled in the corner. The gray man trips over the wrinkle and falls into the tub. Jill grabs onto the edge of the sink to lift herself up. After getting up, she pulls up her shit covered pants. The man is struggling to get out of the tub, but is only splashing the nasty water all over the floor. Jill hurries and leave the room while locking the door behind her.

Jill: This house is completely fucked up, like no joke. Damn! Now I gotta run around with shit in my pants the rest of the time? Fucking nudist colony.

Jill continues down the hallway and after a couple of corners, see's 3 more doors. A set of double doors directly across from a single door. Jill thinks to herself what just happened and decides to go through the single door.

Jill: Fuck. If there's a hot tub in here, I'll be happy.

Jill opens the door and walks into an empty square room with a high ceiling and another door on the other side. Jill walks into the room and enters the next door. The room appeared to be a sitting room with a fireplace and a shotgun on display on the other wall.

Jill: I WANT! I WANT!

Jill runs to the shoutgun and pulls it off of its display. A clicking noise came from the display a moment later. Jill continues searching the room and finds a picnic basket sitting on the couch. She grabs it and leaves the room. As soon as Jill enters the empty room, both doors lock and the ceiling begins to fall.

Jill: I'm so fucked right now. The basket!

Jill opens the basket and finds a sandwich. She throws the basket and sandwich aside and begins to pound on the door leading to the hallway.

Jill: HELP!!! THE ROOF IS FALLING!!! HELP!!!!

Barry happened to be walking by and overhears Jill. He runs up to the door.

Barry: Is that you Jill? And is that a sandwich I smell?

Jill: Barry! Kick the door down! Please!

Barry: Do you have a sandwich? I need to know.

Jill: Fuck the sandwich, the fucking roof is fucking falling!!!

Barry: But what about the sandwich?

Jill: I'll give you the God Damned sandwich, just OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!!

Barry: Alright, stand back. I'm getting that sandwich!

Barry backs up, and charges the door with his shoulder. The door flies open and he runs past Jill to grab the sandwich. He manages to get it and run out before the roof completely touches the floor.

Jill: Barry, what the fuck did it matter if I had a sandwich in there?

Barry: You should never let a sandwich go to waste.

Jill: I was about to BE a fucking sandwich, cockhole.

Barry: I've eaten you before, and I would do it again.

Jill gives Barry a very perplexed look.

Jill: What the hell are you talking about Barry?

Barry is too busy eating the sandwich to respond. Jill shakes her head and stands up. She begins to look around.

Jill: Whatever. That doesn't matter. Did you find any clues?

Barry: Not really, but that guy made a huge fucking mess in the bathroom. There's shit all over the place. Kinda ironic he was taking a bath.

Barry starts to chuckle and notices brown stains on Jill's pants. Jill turns red and turns to rummage through her pouch containing her ammo.

Barry: Uh, Jill?

Jill: What?

Barry: What is that all over your pants?

Jill: Umm...uhh...pudding? Yeah! pudding!

Barry: And, what's that smell?

Jill: What smell?

Barry: That guy scared the shit outta you didn't he?

Jill: Fuck you! I had my period, okay?!

Jill storms out through the double doors and dissapears into the hallway. Barry, continues to chuckle and eat his sandwich.

Welcome One and All!

I have decided to start doing blogspot again so here it is :P. This time I will have this blog serve a purpose and I will make satirical reviews and whatnot. I'll rant occasionally and post links to things. I will also post youtube vids here and I will also make funny short stories that make fun of my favorite video games (Resident Evil :). So, here is something to tide you over: